Lord, I'm Hurting

Lord Jesus,  

This is killing me.  I truly am thankful for a diagnosis, but I am so angry that we have no idea how long ago I received this disease from a nasty little bug... aka. the tick. 

Believe me, this is no comic book figure.  

I AM ANGRY BECAUSE...
* this could have caused some or all of the problems which led up to having my hysterectomy 7 & 1/2 years ago
* children, the one thing I wanted in life... the above statement explains that
* psychosis... numerous mental health issues, which have resulted in around 15 -20 admissions because I was certifiably crazy
* fibromyalgia - the pain, the ridicule, the "it's all in your head" bull
* neuropathy - how many falls have resulted from this
* intimacy - my marriage is not complete... I have not only no desire, but pain beyond any explanation (and I adore my husband!)
* confusion, delusions, hallucinations, dissociation..... ugh, Lord you don't want me to go there
* and more


Jesus, I just want to scream and cry more than I have already and even curse at you for letting all of this happen.  In my head, I know you didn't curse me with all of this, but in my heart I question where I went wrong.  What did I do to make You hate me?  Why must I be the example?  When will you just call me Home and truly HEAL me?  CAN YOU EVEN HEAR ME??!!!


Oh, I know You hear my every prayer, my every cry, my every desire.  You present them for me before Your Father.  I know the answers don't have to be filled with major detail, but are usually a yes, no, or wait.  


Jesus, I believe You have placed me in the "Wait" so You alone can help me to grow in my devotion and love for You.  I also believe Lord that You are using this situation in my life for Your plan.... whatever that may be (only Jesus knows the plan for you).


My heart is breaking and I am simply trying to just accept that this diagnosis is part of me.  I must rest and really take care of myself daily.... physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I know there will be good days and bad days, but Lord I am doing all I can to trust in You.  


'And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.  To him be the dominion forever and ever.  Amen.' ~ 1 Peter 5:10-11

In His Holy Name,
Sydni